Candace Jackson, mom to a 4-year-old and 17-month-old in Oakland, Calif., waits until her kids have gone to bed and then makes a small chocolate cake using her microwave and a coffee mug. “I always make it in the same black Powell’s bookstore coffee mug,” she said. “As soon as I pull that mug out, my husband just looks at me like, ‘Rough day?’” And Jennifer Toone, a mom of six in Elk Grove, Calif., said she keeps a stash of dark chocolate peanut butter cups in her top dresser drawer so she can tell her family she’s going upstairs to “use the bathroom” and then sit on her bed with her treats “for as long as I can get away with it.”

That secret “getting away with it” part is essential. I see all of you out-in-the-open foodies, with your performative sourdough baking. And I respect the strategy: You survive by becoming immersed in a complicated kitchen task that can be executed only if you’re ignoring everyone around you. But that kind of ritual requires messing up the kitchen and demands a level of energy I cannot summon right now. I need the exquisite hidden stillness of car sushi; the reliability of those tidy plastic containers and the ability to throw all the evidence in the trash as soon as I’m done. Nobody needs to know. They can just appreciate that I come home in a better mood.

But let’s be clear that car sushi, or coffee mug cake, or any other such covert indulgence is not a sign of disordered eating, according to the experts I consulted. “You’re aware that you are overwhelmed and you’re actively taking care of yourself,” explained Christyna Johnson, a dietitian who specializes in eating disorder treatment in Dallas. “You might be eating and using that time to process your feelings.” Which doesn’t mean you solve anything, or even stop feeling angry or sad. “Maybe this is a temporary place holder — something that lets you release a little steam, and sit with tough emotions just enough so that you can keep functioning,” Johnson said.

This is quite different from the self-destructive sort of secret eating that is the hallmark of a more disordered relationship with food. “If you’re not aware of your emotional experience while eating or even afterwards find that you cannot tap into your feelings, then that’s not helpful,” Johnson said.

It’s also important to consider whether your secret food is a food you would eat at other times (and just happen to enjoy most when you’re alone), or if you otherwise see it as forbidden. “If you’re only allowing yourself to eat this food in secret, then it’s an unhelpful coping mechanism because you don’t have full permission to eat that food whenever you want,” Johnson said. “The euphoria you’re feeling from eating it is clouding your nervous system’s ability to calm down. And it’s likely to be replaced by shame afterwards.”