Try to talk with your teenager openly and honestly, and without judgment, shaming or ultimatums. Choose a time that is private and somewhat casual, like a car ride (which can feel less intensely intimate because eyes are focused ahead and not on each other) or a walk or hike (because an activity and movement serves the same purpose) or late at night after a family movie (kids are smart, they know adults tend to be tired around this time and will talk less and listen more).

This should be the start of a series of conversations, not a one-time lecture. Stick with open-ended “how” and “what” questions, like “What do you think teenagers use pornography for?” Or, “How do you think porn impacts people’s real-life relationships?” Let them be the experts of their own experience and start with what they observe and think about the topic rather than pushing them to tell you about their porn experiences.

What if my kid is embarrassed?

Your teenager is likely to resist any conversation with you about porn — and about any topic related to sex. Still, it’s important for you to raise the issue and make sure your child has the important information they need, even if they don’t seem to want to hear it.

The absence of a response does not necessarily mean that your child is not listening. You can say, for example, “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about porn, but the opportunity hasn’t really come up yet, so I’m just going to share some of the information I think is important.” If you meet resistance, you might continue with, “I know this is awkward and difficult. It is for me, too. I also realize this may or may not be relevant to you, but it’s pervasive in our culture, so I want to make sure you have some important information about porn and healthy relationships.”

What does my kid really need to know?

As part of your conversations, even if they are one-sided, it’s important to include the following messages:

Porn is someone else’s fantasy that doesn’t come from your own imagination and is not reflective of most people’s sexual realities and safe sexuality practices.

Porn is entertainment, and is largely driven by making what sells and what will make a profit.

Performers’ bodies are typically altered and enhanced to curate a specific look.